SMILE LANG

SMILE LANG GUD GAMAY BAHALA UG CORNY NA NGA JOKE JOKE JOKE....

Mama: (knock knock)

Anak: Who's there?

Mama: Mama nimo!

Anak: Mama nimo who?

Mama: Leche! Ablihi ko uy! Pa-who who pa ka diha!! Bunalan tika ron!!

Original version: "Do not do unto others, if you don’t want other do unto you."

Bisaya version: "Ayaw mo pag ingun ana, kung mag ingun ana mo ayaw."

CHARACTERISTICS OF DRINKERS...

THE PASSENGER - hilig magpasa sa tagay. Sakay-sakay lang.

THE HIKER - balhin2x ug pwesto. Likay tagay

THE FUGITIVE - pwede sad "THE BATMAN". Kalit lng mawala na walay pananghid

KUNG-FU- KUNG-FUlutan grabe mOKAON. Kani ang muhurot sa pulutan kai abi cguro nya merienda iyang giadto

THE CHOSEN ONE - official runner sa tindahan. Palit ice, yosi ug additional shat

THE PHOENIX- Gahi pero tighipos na lang sa kalat kai tumba na tanan

THE DRAGON - mubuga na ug kalayo, pero sa yuta, canal or SA CR kay hubog na kaayo

THE MEDIC - usually mga PASSENGERS. Tig-asikaso sa mga dragon ug sa POLICE

THE CELEBRANT-  KADA ADLAW BIRTHDAY NIYA,  Bangka japon ug storya maski wala nai ganahan maminaw

THE SPOTCHAIR - Kini ang target sa tanan  MAOY KANTIYAWAN  SERYOSO MAN O YAGA YAGA

THE SLEEPING BEAUTY - ang magduka duka sa inuman bisan sau pa kung patulugon dili matulog kai kaya pa daw lagi

THE GUNNER -  GAPANIKAS SA SHATS... KADUHA NA KA KAINOM SIYA KAUSA PA

THE INDIAN - katong gina-text na ug grabe, pero di japon muabot. walay klaro kasabot

THE POLICE - ang pinaka late sa tanan. pag-abot nya, hubog na tanan.

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• Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails

• Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk

• Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth

• War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left

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WORST HABITS OF PINOY:

• Cannot keep right on stairs and escalators

• No sense of personal space

• Very rude by pushing their groceries on the counter even if the one in front has not yet been scanned by the cashier

• Does not know what standing in line means ( ACTUALLY THEY KNOW IT BUT THEY PRETEND NOT)

• Impatient cannot wait and has no discipline

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A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud

rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks

over to the old rooster "Ok, old  fellow its time to

retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these

chickens...look at  what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a

hassle about this.

Time for the old to step aside and the young to take

over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon...just let me have

the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother

you."

The young rooster says "Scram! Beat it! You're washed

up! I'm taking over."

So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll

tell you what young fellow. I'll have a race with you

around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets

domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat

you, old man, so  just to be fair I'm going to give

you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken

to cluck "GO"  and the old rooster takes off running.

About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off

after him.

They round the front of the farm house and the young

rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and

gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks

up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!

He blows the young rooster to bits.

He sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay

rooster I bought this week!"

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HOW THE MOTHERS TEACH THEIR CHILDREN:

RECEIVING....   "You are going to get it when we get home"

CHALLENGE...   "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talkback to me!

LOGIC ...   "If you dont finish cleaning that,  you can't go to the store with me

HUMOR ...   "When you cut your fingers out of that, don't come running to me."

HOW BECOME AN ADULT...   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up

WISDOM    ...   "When you get to be my age,you will understand."

JUSTICE....   "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....thenyou'll see what it's like

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those evolutionary things that allowsthem to stand closer to the kitchen sink

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Use 'em, Abuse 'em, Confuse 'em, & Lose 'em

I've learned....

that being kind is more important than being right

I've learned....

that you should never say no to a gift from a child

I've learned....

that I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength tohelp him in some other way

I've learned....

that when you're in love,  FIND WAYS TO EXPRESS IT

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive,

what they conceal is vital.

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SOME ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MAN:

• The world is your urinal

• Wrinkles add character

• Car mechanics tell you the truth

• Your last name stays

• Your orgasms are real. Always

•  Your ass is never a factor in a job interview

Year 1 - Man goes home, wife gets slippers and the

           dog barks.

Year 2 - Man goes home, the wife barks and the dog

           gets the slippers

Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Why do we wash bath towels?  Aren't we clean

         when we use them?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look

for it.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.  Have you ever seen a

man get on a bus ahead of one?

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HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANSWERING A LAWYER'S INTERROGATION DURING A COURT HEARING AS A WITNESS? TRY TO DISCOVER HOW SOME PEOPLE MADE AN ANSWER..

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?  ( KAYA MO BA TO? )

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes..

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there

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some HAVE taken this seriously...  a very serious talk...

Love is an intention, that goes with affection, with the intent of injection, done in the midsection, in a preferred position, during a private session

Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot? Ba't di mo subukang umutot. Paligid mo'y babantot. Tanggal ang lungkot, Wala pang bugnot!

Lovelines through the years 1950s

-- Iniirog kita. 1960s

-- Iniibig kita. 1970s

-- Minamahal kita. 1980s

-- I love you. 1990s

-- Tara sa kwarto. 2000s -- Pwede na rito

GIRL'S PRAYER :

At age 20 - "Lord, I want the best man."

At age 25 - "Lord, I want a good man."

at age 30 - "Lord, I want any man."

At age 40 - "Lord, please naman...

At age 50 - "Lord, please, please kaya ko pa..."

at age 60 - "Lord, please, nakikiusap na ako..."

At age 70 - "Lord, Forget it..ayaw ko na..."

At age 80 - "Lord, Wala ng pag-asa..."

At age 90 - "Lord, see you na lang..."

"Pare saan ka nag - tra- trabaho ngayon?"

"IBM, Pare", ang sagot."

"IBM eh, wala ka namang computer background ah?"

"Istambay Buong Maghapon."

"Eh ikaw Pare anong trabaho mo ngayon?"

"Chemist, Pare" "Chemist, paanong nangyari 'yon eh, di ka naman nag-college?"

"Ke Misis umaasa, Pare.

the meaning of the word..

ASPECT:      pantusok / pandurog ng yelo

CITY:           bago mag-ocho

DEDUCT:     ang bibe

DEFEAT:      ang paa

DEPOSIT:    ang gripo

DETAIL:       ang buntot

DEVASTATION:      istasyon ng bus

EFFORT:                 kung saan nagla-landing ang erflane

MELT:             ngamit mantali sa mewang mara indi maulog ang mantalon

PERSUADING:   unang kasal DEPRESS: ang nagkasal sa persuading

PREDICATE:    pakawalan mo ang pusa

PROTESTANT:   tindahan ng prutas

STATUE:   ikaw ba 'yan?

HOW DO YOU KNOW How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it....rat, if it doesn't...cat, if it runs...dog!

LETS TALK ABOUT BABIES.....Kapag umiiyak ang baby -- i PAMPERS mo, Kapag umiiyak pa rin -- i KIMBIES mo, Pag ayaw pa ring tumigil sa pag-iyak aba'y........ i HUGGIES mo na!!

• DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAYAMAN AND MAHIRAP

Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy";Kung mahirap ka,ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang".

Sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress". Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo";

Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o "kawatan"

Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o "may topak" o "may sayad".

Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine". Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom";

Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic". Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba";

Kung ang senorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi". Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga";

Kung nasa high society ka, you are called "slender" o balingkinitan"; Kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o"ting-ting".

Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay"petite"; Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "jabbar".

Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump"; Kapag mahirap ka at ika'y "mataba", "tabatsoy" o "lumba-lumba", pag minamalas ka, "baboy".

Kung well-off ka, at date ka rito, date ka roon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "game"; Kung mahirap ka ikaw ay "pakawala".

Kung mayamang alembong ka ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated"; Pero kung isa kang dukha ang tawag sa iyo "malandi".

Kung may pera ka ang tawag sa iyo "single parent"; Pero kung wala kang trabaho ang tawag sa iyo "disgrasyada".

Health conscious ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang kinakain; Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na kumakain ng ganito.

Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga batang sumasagot sa mga guro. Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sakanila ay "walang hiya".

Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating gracefully into senior citizenhood"; Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang".

Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"; Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gunggong".

Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says, "masarap kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" o "masiba".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qehxjub5lyo